Right, now, where is that Jamaican basterd of a crab called Sebastian, who is known for singing that great yet highly annoying song. “Kiss the Girl”. Annoying because once you have first listened to it, it remains engrained in your head for all eternity and is impossible to get out. Believe me through many, many, many nights on the sauce I have tried, however this had the opposite effect as when highly inebriated I am known to sing it.
Damnit back to the actual topic of this rant, I want to find that crustacean boil it and have him for lunch. Because yes last weekend I wasn’t shy and did indeed “kiss the girl” hence why I now have a giant cold sore on my lip. Or rather I wouldn’t have him for lunch…he is a crab after all and a singing crab, that would make me an over night millionaire. Untill I got PETA on my ass for animal exploitation, and all those travelling circues would be making impromptue stops close to my house…claiming that I couldn’t exploit animals for entertainment purposes as its their job.
Sorry back to my rant on this Jamaican crustacean, why would Disney have to choose such an animal to be the underwater cupid…a crab of all things, the last thing you want to think of when getting on the good foot and doing the bad thing. It just goes to show that for a company that is “family friendly” this is the least family friendly thing possible. If I knew a girl who had crabs let alone just the one even if it did sing, the last thing I would be doing is kissing her. What’s worse than one singing crab in your pants an entire fucking colony, just imagine pulling down your pants and hearing on que music coming from around the trunk of your chap /lady parts.
…actually now I think of it that would be pretty awesome…would likely have your chosen sex object running for the hills, or for the nearest can of insectiside /pepper spray. But hey at least you could actually claim that there is a party in your pants and everyone is invited…you know pros vs cons, would be pretty funny for a short period. Until you can’t sleep without the aid of a hand full of sleeping pills and noise cancelling ear plugs.
To round off this rant… oh you know what fuck it, cold sores suck but making out is great so in the end of the day I have to agree with Sebastian. So Ladies and Gentlemen, go out there and if you find someone who is willing (i.e. they have to want to kiss you), don’t let the risk of a cold sore scare you…it’s one of the most fun STD’s to get. If Donald Trump can do it with porn Stars and Playmates then what in the world is stopping you.
