Feeling The Pain
Pain is something we all feel and will feel throughout our lives to varying degrees, but we cannot let it dominate or control us to the point where we shut the world out. For the longest time, I have let pain dominate me for the mistakes that I have made, be it the things that I have said or how I saw myself through the eyes of others and I gave power to my regrets. I became an empty shell of a human being with my seemingly endless pain. I put my energies into keeping a strong unbreakable facade on the outside, yet inside my heart was like a black hole with nothing inside of it spare a few bright sparks here and there but it would all fade into the endless darkness of my soul.
Through heartache and the inevitable breakups, be it with friends or romantic entanglements that we will all experience in our lives, no matter how hard you will be on yourself in the following aftermath. No matter how hard you try to pretend that you don’t feel it or cover it up each break affects us all in different ways. Don’t make my mistakes and let them cripple you to the point where you’re paralysed by fear of your own goddamn shadow and throw away your potential and put aside your ability to live and feel everything this life and world of ours has to give.
Pain has to be felt, embraced, accepted and in many ways loved so that you can move past it to a brighter future. You cannot look back at the person you were before the decision or action that you made or be it something you did or someone else did you had no control over. Even in situations that might have been completely avoidable, had we only had asked for help. We cannot control the actions of others no more can we turn back the hands of time. If something was going to happen then it would have happened regardless and that can be hard to accept let alone come to grips with or not to regret.
Remember that in life you have to let people in, even though we will get hurt by them it’s just part of life but from that, we have to use the difficulty to grow and become a wiser better version of ourselves. Over the years I developed a dangerous and unhealthy habit of putting all the blame on myself. I became a self-deprecating, self-hating individual who wanted nothing but the seemingly sweet release of death to escape from my troubles and the pain that came with them.
It was only by opening up to people and allowing them in that I was able to realise the error of my ways, past decisions and saw the damage that I had done to myself. I saw that the suit of armour I was so proud of, that I had constructed during my time in “exile” was poisoning me to the level where I could barely function and everything in my life suffered because of it. Even though I thought I was doing right by those around me by being the strong immovable pillar they needed, this took its toll on me as I slowly sunk into a depression of my own creation. As life escaped from me as it propelled all those I gave my strength to upwards whilst I drowned slowly in my poisoned suit unable to rise up and take on the world. Let alone live the life I deserved and all those I was protecting (at least I felt I was protecting) knew I deserved as I fell to the very depths of my own pain riddled ocean unable to breathe.
To finish off we can’t be scared of the pain that life will send us we have to embrace it not shy away from it, and then when the time comes we have to do the hardest thing…LET IT GO and rise up to take on the world and embrace with an open heart and mind all that it has to offer and the opportunities that will come with it. Wash your fears and regrets down the drain never to return again.