Depression is not a funny thing, in fact, it's a horrible thing to experience and many of us will likely experience it at one point or another. When you have been feeling at all depressed it becomes a prison of your own creation. There are times when it feels like walking into a large cave with many exits and at first, you don’t think it's too bad because you can see the exits right in front of you and there is plenty of light streaming in its not too bad. After all, you feel like you have just wandered into this cave by accident and you can find your way out easily. You just think I will use one of the many apparent exits and you will be fine, no need to call for help to navigate your way out of this cave you can find your own way out in no time. But as time slowly ticks on as you approach one of these “exits” the light dims at each of the exits as darkness continues to overtake the light and you slowly lose all hope of ever escaping, as your fears continue to rob you of the lights of hope and joy. As the light dies out you begin to accept that this darkness is your life as your inner fears in the shape of demons swarm out of the darkness at first you have the strength to fight them off but over time the demons become your friends and the darkness feels safe where no one or thing can hurt you.
The reality is that what we see as a darkening cave is in fact a full-blown labyrinth of the mind and it's only by asking for help does that golden string begin to unravel and show us the way out to safety and back to who we truly are, back to the sun and lives endless possibilities. There will be pitfalls, obstacles and setbacks that we will have to overcome and scale. The only thing we have to contend with is each of the fear demons we have created in our minds. Who we have let take control and what’s fucked up is that part of us might like it in that dark space hidden in the labyrinth with our own demons. As in some way it is a safe place where we can just be ourselves and alone with our depression, part of us wants to shut the world and everyone in it out. During this time we mask up around those we work with our families and our friends to hide the darkness that we are in to show the opposite.
I know I did for the longest time until I realised how lost I was in my own labyrinth my own depression had gotten me to the place where I was lost. I wasn’t just lost I was stuck uncertain and it was impacting me to a level that it became normal, and it was impacting every aspect of my life. I knew that I had been here before but the path I used before had become steeper seemingly impossible to climb and my fear demons were clinging to me. The weight of all these fears, doubts, and self-loathing was too much for me to even attempt the climb as I couldn’t even stand up. Mentally I was barely on my knees struggling for breath, yet projecting the image to the world and my loved ones that I was doing great that I was flying through life without a care in the world. It’s a projection that only dropped when I put my key in my door and walked in and shut the world behind it. Even now I am an expert at projecting the image that I want people to see and not what is actually there. It’s a useful skill to be able to hide what you’re thinking and feeling, it makes you unreadable and unpredictable. It can however when it's used for these reasons be bad for your mental health.
Asking for help and admitting to even one person that you’re depressed can be the best thing you ever do. As someone who finally took that step to ask for help from those, I trust the most in this world namely, my family. I am now seeing a therapist who is the one person I haven’t hidden a single thing from and I am now on the right path out of my own labyrinth. Finding the right person to confide in is the most important thing I have done, I am not out of this mental prison just yet but I have the keys in my hand and I know where to use them. To end this entry of mine; take it from me depression isn’t the end of your life it can be the beginning regardless of your circumstance just take that first step in asking for help…YOU CAN DO IT.